Estrogen American Technology

Estrogen American Technology

Female drivers outnumber males for the first time in the U.S.  

Car manufacturers have already addressed the trend with separate, front seat “climate” systems.  I'm not sure men like seat warmers though.  When Single Guy is driving and asks his girlfriend to slide closer she says, “No thanks, I’ll stay here with my seat warmer because it ‘gets’ me.”

Here are more female-oriented features car manufacturers should consider:

More choices in car colors.  Maybe hot pink with a bold block print or a nice Vera Bradley pattern?  

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/bling%20bling

For the Artsy set, car changes color when it rains.

Selected phrases screamed when horn is blown such as, “Do NOT start with me, asinine!”  

A Navigation system that will never sound like a chick younger than me on a bar stool in Mexico, exhaling a cig as she croons “Turn North on Venturaaaaa....”  

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-Pinup-Girl-Brunette-Sombrero-smoking-Cigarette-/200738138211

Instead, utilize a David Beckham voice which only uses “right” and “left” driving instructions and calls me “love.”  He’d also talk me off the ledge when my seat belt sensor determines that my blood pressure is dangerously high.

A gas gauge that tells you not just when you should get gas, but when you really, really need gas, you dipstick. 

You can tell David Beckham exactly what the mechanic said is wrong with your car and it determines if he’s a condescending scumbag liar.

A wine cooler in the center console that works even when car is off.  I don’t want to leave my car running at gymnastics just because I want cold chardonnay.  What kind of ozone-eating jerkwad do you think I am?

Ten sets of keys and clickers.

For the Hot Flash set—a retractable hose that one can direct down one’s shirt.

Sensor that will give little feet a shock if rested on the dashboard.

www.queen-of-the-jungle.com

Window that can be raised to block juice boxes thrown from back seat. 

Back doors won’t open unless all the crap is off the floor.

A “Vroomba,” that wanders all over one’s car vacuuming.  It realizes the difference between Cheerios and Legos, storing the latter in a special compartment.

An alert when I come within a hundred yards of that judgey, tee-totaling PTA mom or someone selling wrapping paper.

If this journalism thing doesn’t work out, I’ll be in Detroit reviving the nation’s car industry and accepting the Nobel Prize on behalf of Estrogen Americans everywhere. 

http://katienicholl.mailonsunday.co.uk

Special K and Chardonnay

“Why I Need Happy Hour” Friday

Special K and Chardonnay

Thursday night I finished my dinner of left-over lasagna and searched for something sweet.  I poured a glass of chardonnay because I deserved it on account of I hadn't had any since yesterday.  

        Special K Bars lined my pantry, but they’re made of cardboard, and cardboard does not go with chardonnay.  Everyone knows that cardboard is chiefly paired with Mogen David Rosé or strong coffee in the morning.  That came out wrong—I would not suggest Mogen David in the morning.  I’d love to have a big, chocolate Krispy Kreme most mornings.  Or a few calorie-inflated granola bars, but granola gives me gas.  However, I digress. 

 

Anyhoo, as I was trying to find something to satisfy my insatiable chocolate monster, I read the side of the Special K Bar box for kicks.

“Drop a jean size in two weeks (double exclamation points)!!  The Special K Challenge.”  

           Really.  I couldn’t drop a jean size in two years.  They should have an asterisk beside that.  I’m 38 (woo hoo!  Chardonnay just came out of my nose) going on 68 and I’m fixin’ to drop a Size 8 trou to a Size 6?  After three kids and a metabolism that shut down in 1998, I could really rake in the ratings on The View if that actually worked.  

So... I read the scientific "spin" on the side of the box.

MEAL #1:

Kick-start your day with a serving of Special K Cereal (ANY flavor) (oh yay) with 2/3 cup skim milk.  ENJOY with fruit.

It didn’t say how much a serving of cereal was.  I couldn’t translate the hooo-hah on the side of the box because I couldn’t translate metric into American.  So, I poured my artificially flavored Chocolate Special K into my usual cereal bowl and poured the thimble of SKIM in.  Well, I was sure the Special K people would like to avoid a big ‘ol lawsuit because of me choking on dry cereal so I poured just a Biggie size Wendy’s cup tad more milk in.

Meal #2:

“Replace another meal with a delicious Special K Protein Meal Bar, Special K Protein Shake, or another serving of your favorite Special K Cereal (ANY flavor) with 2/3 cup of SKIM milk and fruit.  

Since I didn’t have any strawberries without fur on them, I used a can of strawberry pie filling from last Thanksgiving.  That’s when I stopped talking to Aunt Billie Rae because she was being hateful and brought her “blue-ribbon” (I wish I had a dime for every time I’ve heard that) strawberry pie to Mama’s for Thanksgiving when she KNEW that I had signed up to bring it.

Meal #3:

Eat your third meal as you normally would.

This was cool.  So, my husband was out of town.  Mac ‘n Cheese for dinner.  That would not be up for debate with my kids.  I thought I needed a little protein since I was on a strict diet, so the bacon added a nice touch.  Sipping my chardonnay and boiling my noodles, I thought this diet’s working out OK.  

I’ll let you know when I’m gonna be on The View.