15 Things I Know For Sure

15 Things I Know For Sure

One of my personality flaws is that I can’t make decisions.  Choosing a picture for our Christmas card is just as hard for me as buying a car.  

I can’t even decide on a bag of grapes because I doubt myself.  Green or purple?  Is that brown, damaged grape going to defile the other grapes it touches?  Should I buy the huge, toxic ones or the wimpy, organic ones?  The multitude of unknowns out there fuels my anxiety.  

Writing a list of absolutes in life makes the world a little less scary for me.  Here are some things I Know For Sure. 

If my snarky attitude takes me straight to the Devil, the PTA president will be driving me there.

You must seek cover when a redneck guy stands up and yells, “Hold my beer!  Ya'll watch this!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_Wx_Ue8dFE

Every December 1st, my husband says, “We need to send out the Christmas cards.”  Exactly who is “we”?  Hopefully the other half of “we” brings hot toddies.

When my husband and I travel, he plans the route and researches the weather.  Conversely I am only interested in staying at the hotel with free cookies.

One day I will change the sound of my car horn to a chainsaw, drive up close behind a biker in the middle of the road, and let ‘er rip on the egotistical jerkwad who thinks he owns any slice of the earth he occupies.  And my Anger Management class starts back up in the fall, since you ask.

One day when I’m buying a fifty-pound bag of Purina Dog Chow at Costco and someone in line asks me, “Oh, you have a dog?”  I’m going to say, “Nope, I’m doing the Dog Chow diet again.  Last time I lost 40 lbs, but wound up in the hospital.”  When they ask, “What happened?” I’ll say, “I stepped into the street to sniff a labrador’s rear, and I got hit by a car.”

Cats just do not care.

When threatening your teenager, whispering in her ear is scarier than yelling.

If you use “template” in any conversation, you automatically sound smarter.

When snow skiing, don’t trust your husband when he says, “Let’s take this shortcut.” 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=extreme%2Bsnow%2Bskiing&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=w2Y00AcKuURI-M&tbnid=znrjfTsOkeqG4M:&ved=0CAQQjB0&url=h

I can’t browse Pinterest, play Farmville, or stalk Chaz Bono online for JUST ten minutes.

http://celebrities.ninemsn.com.au/?blogentryid=635568&showcomments=true

If you don’t challenge yourself, you’ll never realize what you can become.  I know that’s true because I read it on a sign at the dry cleaners.

There is no imaginable reason for me to use calculus in my daily life.  Schools are taking away dodgeball on playgrounds because it makes the fat kids feel bad.  What about me?  Why don’t they take away math?  That would make me feel better.

When you return a swimsuit at Macy’s, the sales clerk wonders if you tried it on with no underwear. 

And, the number one Absolute of the Universe . . . the fifty-percent-off sale ended yesterday.

I hope meditating on these truths will ease the uncertainties in my readers’ lives.  

Just knowing that I have a “template” for my Christmas cards next year eases my stress—giving me more time to maintain my blog, “Chaz Bono: A Great Actor Who Just Needs More Parts.”

Twenty Ways Cats Are Like Toddlers

Twenty Ways Cats Are Like Toddlers

1.  Watch you go to the bathroom

2.  Philosophy:  what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine, that which

      you may want in the future is mine.

3.  You do not own them.

4.  Must have dirty paws all over the keyboard as you type        

      - or better yet, lay down on it.  Newspapers too.

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5.  Choose not to come when called.  

6.  If you want them to go anywhere, you must pick them up and

      carry them. 

7.  Act like dead weight when #6 occurs.  

8.  Climb up on kitchen counters and eat other people's food.

9.  Look incredibly cute when asleep.  

10.  Act surly and uncooperative when taking pictures of them.  

11.  Have nine lives.   

12.  Act totally unconcerned when caught creating a mess.

13.  Lap up water from the door of an open dishwasher

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14.  Like big cardboard boxes.  

15.  Have a fascination with toilet water. 

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16.  Don’t like wearing clothes.

17.  Like to ingest small items—preferably living, but may be recently

        dead.  

18.  Obsessed with Chuck E. Cheese commercials

19.  Go bat-crazy when vacuum cleaner is turned on.

20.  Like to eat goldfish. 

Kid's Bad Habit May Score Cat a Spin-off Show

“Why These Kids Can’t Be Mine” Thursday

Kid’s Bad Habit May Score Cat a Spin-off Show

Sometimes I say things I never imagined I’d need to say under any circumstance.   For example,  “Go get a mouse.  Slither needs to eat,” or “No, that is not the dog’s giblet,” or “There’s a mole on your bra.”

The last phrase comes from a situation that arose this morning.  My teenagers are extremely busy playing school soccer, acting like they’re doing homework, tweeting, not putting away clothes, texting, shopping on-line, going to social activities, and watching Gossip Girl.  

When they pack their soccer bags with practice clothes in the morning, they pull out yesterday’s school clothes and leave them on the back patio.  At night they are busy not cleaning their rooms so the school clothes remain on the patio where creatures gather at night to get high with the garden gnomes on my herbicide-laced, ‘roided-out lawn.  

I refuse to pick up the clothes so they will often stay there until some raccoon watches Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo  through our window and sees Glitzy, the pig, root around in the clothes on the beauty queen’s bed.  Because raccoons can be TV stars too, he’ll likely grab my daughter’s shirt and scamper away to negotiate a spin-off show and get his own tiara.  I bet Honey Boo-Boo’s family sometimes finds their clothes in trees too.

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This morning I walked out to the patio to feed our cat and glanced at the clothes still in the corner.  A cute, stiff little mole lay ashen on the colorful pile.  Either he had overdosed on some Ortho-licious trash can punch or the cat decided the mole was, well, a mole who tried to rat out the “funny fertilizer” backyard cartel.   

Anxious to board the cat-shaming band wagon, I ran to make a sign.  Unless they’re asleep, cats won’t cooperate like all those stupid dogs on Facebook.  

The deceased mole is on the pile on the left, 

behind her ear.

Of course, like the good journalist I am, I digitally documented the moment.  I texted my daughter, “There is a mole on your bra,” and sent her the picture.  

I’m getting ready to send this post to TLC.  Maybe they’ll give my cat her own show—Animal Cops:  Backyard Busts, Wrongly Convicted— If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened.

SCRAMBLED PRAYERS

SCRAMBLED PRAYERS

I decided I’m going to start giving thanks more.  Since it’s summer and I don’t have to set my alarm in the morning, I figure lying in bed for a few minutes saying a prayer for my blessings is a great way to start my morning and it’s the least I can do.

However, my mind is so scrambled, I literally can’t concentrate for longer than 15 seconds on prayers.  They go something like this:

Dear Lord, thank you so much for my wonderful soft, bed and my heavenly pillow, and my soft covers.  Thank you for my beautiful bedroom.  Ok, let’s see.  What else?  I really don’t need to lie in bed long. Wastes half the day.  What do I have to do when I go downstairs?  First thing, deal with the stupid cat.  Bugs me to death meowing to come in before I have my coffee.  God, why can’t my husband let her in?  Darn him.  I just said ‘darn’ in my prayer.  God, please forgive me of my sins. Then she wants to be let out of the laundry room after five minutes and go out again.  Why can’t she go straight outside, God?  My hot coffee is waiting and she wants to roll around on the rug first and stretch and all?  She can do that crap outside.

Lord, thank you for the summer time and our trip to the lake.  The kids had so much fun.  Thank you for not letting them get concussions riding on that tube— especially their friends that came with us.  I wonder if the cat came home all weekend. Thank you, Lord, that cats are so easy.  Please don’t let that stupid animal have gotten run over by a car.  We were only gone three days.  Been gone a lot longer than that.  Thank you, God, that the cat stays outside.  If she stands on a curb, I wonder if she’s stupid enough to start racing across the street right when a car comes.  If she got hit, I wonder if you could save her.  I guess not if she hit the tire face first.  But what if when she got right to the car, and stuck her foot out in front of her to stop quick and change directions?  The car would just run over her foot.  I wonder if the vet has ever had to cut off a cat’s foot.  I wonder if they know what to use to do something like that.  I wonder if they know where to cut it off?  Would they cut it off above her cat-elbow or below?  If below, she’d probably try to use it to walk and just end up with a bloody stump.

Oh my Gosh!  I’m thinking about the cat getting a bloody stump.  God, what’s wrong with me?  I can’t concentrate for 15 seconds.  This CANNOT be normal.  

Thank you, God, for answering my prayers and giving me something to write about today.  You have a great sense of humor.

Amen