15 Things I Know For Sure

15 Things I Know For Sure

One of my personality flaws is that I can’t make decisions.  Choosing a picture for our Christmas card is just as hard for me as buying a car.  

I can’t even decide on a bag of grapes because I doubt myself.  Green or purple?  Is that brown, damaged grape going to defile the other grapes it touches?  Should I buy the huge, toxic ones or the wimpy, organic ones?  The multitude of unknowns out there fuels my anxiety.  

Writing a list of absolutes in life makes the world a little less scary for me.  Here are some things I Know For Sure. 

If my snarky attitude takes me straight to the Devil, the PTA president will be driving me there.

You must seek cover when a redneck guy stands up and yells, “Hold my beer!  Ya'll watch this!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_Wx_Ue8dFE

Every December 1st, my husband says, “We need to send out the Christmas cards.”  Exactly who is “we”?  Hopefully the other half of “we” brings hot toddies.

When my husband and I travel, he plans the route and researches the weather.  Conversely I am only interested in staying at the hotel with free cookies.

One day I will change the sound of my car horn to a chainsaw, drive up close behind a biker in the middle of the road, and let ‘er rip on the egotistical jerkwad who thinks he owns any slice of the earth he occupies.  And my Anger Management class starts back up in the fall, since you ask.

One day when I’m buying a fifty-pound bag of Purina Dog Chow at Costco and someone in line asks me, “Oh, you have a dog?”  I’m going to say, “Nope, I’m doing the Dog Chow diet again.  Last time I lost 40 lbs, but wound up in the hospital.”  When they ask, “What happened?” I’ll say, “I stepped into the street to sniff a labrador’s rear, and I got hit by a car.”

Cats just do not care.

When threatening your teenager, whispering in her ear is scarier than yelling.

If you use “template” in any conversation, you automatically sound smarter.

When snow skiing, don’t trust your husband when he says, “Let’s take this shortcut.” 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=extreme%2Bsnow%2Bskiing&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=w2Y00AcKuURI-M&tbnid=znrjfTsOkeqG4M:&ved=0CAQQjB0&url=h

I can’t browse Pinterest, play Farmville, or stalk Chaz Bono online for JUST ten minutes.

http://celebrities.ninemsn.com.au/?blogentryid=635568&showcomments=true

If you don’t challenge yourself, you’ll never realize what you can become.  I know that’s true because I read it on a sign at the dry cleaners.

There is no imaginable reason for me to use calculus in my daily life.  Schools are taking away dodgeball on playgrounds because it makes the fat kids feel bad.  What about me?  Why don’t they take away math?  That would make me feel better.

When you return a swimsuit at Macy’s, the sales clerk wonders if you tried it on with no underwear. 

And, the number one Absolute of the Universe . . . the fifty-percent-off sale ended yesterday.

I hope meditating on these truths will ease the uncertainties in my readers’ lives.  

Just knowing that I have a “template” for my Christmas cards next year eases my stress—giving me more time to maintain my blog, “Chaz Bono: A Great Actor Who Just Needs More Parts.”

Throw 'Em Out of the Nest and Have a Glass of Wine

Throw 'Em Out of the Nest and Have a Glass of Wine

I just love Oprah.  

I think she’d like me more than Gayle, her moocher friend and juice box girl.

ms.104tube.com

Oprah’s ground-breaking magazine is like Cosmopolitan to moms who are tired of all Cosmo’s advice such as “7 Ways to Raise the ‘Bar’ in Bed: (You Won’t Believe It!)” 

O’s headlines pull me in with “7 Reasons You Are So Messed Up” and “Me! 10 Ways I’m So Much Better Than You!”  The articles include questionnaires from psychology experts to help me determine my strengths and weaknesses.  But I don’t need a questionnaire to tell me I’ve lost my mind and I’m too sensitive.  My husband tells me every day. 

Sometimes an “expert’s” ideas are so ridiculous I have to call time out.  For example, Oprah featured an article by a “helicopter” mom who realized her 17-year-old son didn’t know how to make pasta or do laundry.  She gave him a crash course in Home-ec before college because she didn’t want to “unleash a spoiled princeling into the world.”

blog.teenlife.com

I agree most boys don’t even know how to find the milk in the fridge.  And sometimes we’d like to slap the entitlement attitude out of them (however slapping doesn’t work, not that I’ve ever tried that).  But it doesn’t bother me a bit to unleash a princeling into the world.  

Why?  Because some McDonald’s manager will push Little Lord Fauntleroy with his pastel Polos in the mud speedy quick in the real world.  The Justin Bieber mentality will end as soon as his boss asks him to clean the fryer and actually expects him to clean the fryer.

I think Mommy Weirdest wasted her time showing her son how to poach things and make pie crusts.  I mean, no one poaches in real life.  And why can’t he just buy Mrs. Smith’s pies like normal people?   If I were her, I’d just send him out to shoot hoops in the driveway and go have a glass of wine.  

sheknows.com

I say throw him out of the nest and he’ll fly.  He doesn’t need to be taught how to fly first.  That’s just redundant. 

When he moves out, he’ll discover that “food fairies” hardly ever come and replenish the Mountain Dew anymore, and most importantly, Uncrustables are just expensive, teeny PBJ sandwiches that almost any college kid can make if he Googles ehow.com.  

Thinking it through, having a husband who cooks wouldn’t be such a bad idea.  I’d just let him take over the kitchen. That way I can go to Bobbie Jean’s and play bunco while he makes pies and poaches his little heart out.