Monday, December 30, 2013

My Quest for the Fountain of Youth

My Quest for the Fountain of Youth

My birthday is approaching, and I’m researching beauty treatments to (make myself think) I look like I did ten years ago. 

Asking around, I was amazed at how many women are getting lasered, botoxed, injected, and microdermed and spending fortunes doing it.

I called “Chateau d’ Shangra OOOH-LA-LA” yesterday to check the price of getting my underarms lasered so I’d never have to shave again. 

By the way, I really do buy expensive razors on account of I’m worth it.  However, I use them approximately 23 more times than Bic’s recommendation and I cut myself every time—just like last night.  I had to wait twenty minutes to stop bleeding before I got dressed for bunco so I wouldn’t mess up my new Mossimo faux raccoon fur vest. (A virtual Fountain of Youth itself). 

Anyway, I quickly found out that my budget only permitted me to laser half my chin, which was unacceptable.  

So, then I turned my attention to a plethora of cosmetic miracle cures.

First, I researched “BerryActif” a product containing raspberry plant stem-cell technology with 300,000 raspberry stem-cells in every jar. 

After four weeks’ use, 83% of panelists* using the anti-aging cream showed improvement but had to set their thermostats below 58 degrees to prevent becoming moldy at room temperature.

Next, “Fifty Shades of Clay” Cosmetics boasts a potion called Accelerated Retinol Serum.  Why would I want the Regular Serum?  More is better!  I mean, this is still America last time I checked.  I could teach those Marketing guys, with their framed Latin cosmetology diplomas just like Charlene’s down at the Glamour Nails, a thing or two about selling stuff.  Where did they go to college anyway?  LSU?  (Woo hoo!  Ole Miss fan.) 

Anyway, the cream claims to reduce wrinkles and revive bounce.  But I don’t need more bounce.  Lately when I walk in high heels, the skin on my cheeks vibrates, which is quite enough bounce for me. 

Next I learned “Brassy & Sassy” Cosmetics sells a miracle cream made from the rare purple raspberry variety Lavendéra L’Shawnda.  The rare strain was identified in the ruins of Pompeii in 1999 at the foot of Mount Vesuvius.

One lone plant possessed the determination and the immunity to free-radicals to push through the thick layer of hardened lava to photokinetically produce one purple raspberry.  The exclusive formula uses a specific strain of rare barnacle growing on that robust raspberry, which is rare. 

The secret behind “Meaningful Beauty” Anti-aging System lies in a remote region in France, named Jean Valjean d’ Cosette where scientists have cultivated an uncommon melon containing a powerful super-antioxidant, that obviously worked on Cindy Crawford, called Super Hydroxide Amino Mylflavanoid (SHAM)—and if you’re the third caller on QVC, they’ll throw in two more tubes.  Just pay separate shipping and handling. 

Female Baby Boomers are willing to spend their kids’ college funds and sometimes even part of their wine budget to stave off the aging process.

I know one lady who spent $300 on a cream made from cat placentas.  Her skin looks great, but she goes bat-crazy when the vacuum cleaner is turned on.

*30 random people they found on the internet.

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