New Year’s Resolutions For Celebs
This week I’ve watched several interesting stories about “The Best and Worst of 2013.” It got me thinking about my worst moments this year, such as, but not limited to . . .
At a country music concert, I climbed the steps of the coliseum imagining I looked pretty hot in my new skinny jeans and red boots. When I got to the top of the stairs, I thought there was one more step and catapulted face-first in John Darryl’s lap. Thank God they only played it in slow-mo on the Jumbo-tron twice more after intermission.
And once as I was telling a very interesting story at Applebee’s, I was gesticulating and hit the waiter in the gesticulars. I hope he won the lawsuit which resulted from the spilled hot coffee incident. I should really follow up on that.
To avoid further embarrassment, I’m working on some New Year’s resolutions.
1. Avoid drinking six frozen margarita pouches, which taste like a spiteful bartender sprinkled lemon-infused toilet bowl cleaner onto a snow cone, at any redneck venue with stairs.
2. Keep hands to yourself when describing tense railway moments at Poplar and Houston Levee.
Consequently, here are some New Year’s resolutions that those in the 2013 national spotlight should probably make:
1: Never give an interview to someone in skinny jeans and Italian loafers—Phil Robertson on Duck Dynasty.
2: Obey rules of economics.
A. Don’t fire the hand that buys you beach houses.
B. Don’t look a $500 million gift horse in the mouth.
C. A $500 million gift horse can say anything he %*@#ing pleases—Duck Dynasty producers.
3. Make a plan to target my re-election campaign to the bingeing, drunken-stupor, crackadelic, whale, idiot demographic—Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.
4. Stop texting. Get Snapchat. Unsubscribe from WhirlsWithLooseGirls.com and HottiesWhoWanna.com. Develop advantageous friendship with Hugh Hefner. Shut down my website, TonyBeefaroni.com—Anthony Weiner aka Carlos Danger.
5. Always follow the four basic flying rules:
A. Try to stay in the middle of the air
B. Do not go near the edges of the air
C. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
D. Plug the airport’s address into the plane’s GPS and do not turn down the volume on the GPS because you’re playing Words With Friends—Pilot of Boeing 747 Cargo plane who landed at the wrong airport.
6. Don’t fall for some pinhead who will love me and abandon me at an airport in Germany—Justin Bieber’s pet monkey.
7. Work to add “Green Eggs and Ham” to the Library of Congress, as well as my personal favorite, “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish,” and work toward procuring White Castle as the Official Food of Capital Hill—Senator Ted Cruz, senate filibusterer.
A. Fake death on a cruise
B. Buy big box for money
C. Change Twitter password
D. Redeem 2 for 1 coupon at Longhorn
E. No wait, fake death AFTER redeeming Longhorn coupon—Winner of last megamillion lottery.
8. And finally, make sure Uncle Si chaperones the Ouichita High School prom this year because if Sadie OR Cole wind up on a video with the quarterback under the bleachers, heads are gonna roll—Walmart executives stocking $500 million of DD camouflage tuxedo shirts. And that’s a fact, Jack!