Monday, August 20, 2012

I Might Like Prozac Barbie After All


I Might Like Prozac Barbie After All

I often shop at the upscale, Just Plucked Market in my suburb, but I stick out like Peg Bundy in Tiffany’s.  All the ladies wear tennis outfits or dark, rhinestone-studded jeans with stilettos.  I’m convinced everyone is looking at my hair and assuming I can’t afford to get my roots done.  I always feel a little nervous, like Aimee on My Big Redneck Vacation when all the rednecks visited London and discovered they were having spotted dick for dinner.  
Recently while shopping at Just Plucked, I noticed Prozac Barbie with her preschoolers, Babs and Ken Jr.  I saw her lips cart coming around the corner first, and she looked like Lisa Rinna/Daisy Duck perturbed with the children.  I didn’t know she was mad at them at first because she was botoxicated trying to stay calm.  But when I got closer I heard her hiss something to her son about the cookie he was eating and his expensive Polo shirt.

             

While standing at the meat counter, little K used his fingers to wipe chocolate from his mouth.  Aghast, at least I think, Barbie pulled baby wipes out of her Louis Vuitton and shoved them toward Kenny’s face.  By that time he’d already used the back of his hand, and wiped the fudginess on his shirt.  Barb was mortified.  She leaned down in her stilettos and went anti-bacterial on his cookie mess.
What’s strange about this scene?  First, I wouldn’t be organized enough to have baby wipes in my purse.  Second, my kid would’ve worn a Star Wars t-shirt instead of a Polo.  And third, I would’ve expected him to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand and rub it on his shirt, like a normal boy.  If not, he would’ve put his arms around me and wiped his mouth on my butt.
Speaking of my butt and lard, I saw something freakish in the dairy section at Just Plucked—containers of Duck Fat—to buy!  Of course, I keep my bacon grease in a coffee cup in the fridge like regular people, but what do you possibly do with Duck Fat?  Maybe deep-fry some Oreos.  I’d love to ask a manager what it’s used for, but I figure he’d be real snooty like the saleslady at Glamour Shots when I only bought one slutty picture from my photo session back in ’83.

One day I’d love to yell across the aisle to the smug Regional Director of Just Plucked Inc. 

“Could you tell me where ya’lls vie-enny sausages are?  Wooo, I sure do love them thangs.  That’s some good shit right there.  They’re better’n crap on a cracker.”  

That’s going on my bucket list.

I picked up a bag of organic Cheeto balls and waited for Prozac Barbie to herd her clan through the checkout.  I felt a tad sorry for her because her make-up was running down her face in the Memphis heat.  She must’ve moved here from the Hamptons or something.  Just as I walked out, she shoved her offspring into a clown-car sized Mercedes, melted into the driver’s seat, and took a cleansing deep breath.  

Then, as I watched PB’s life unfold in her little cocoon of a car, I realized we’re all alike.  

She gave her four-year-old his Nintendo and her two-year-old her sippy cup, and untucked a bottle of Chardonnay from the hidden compartment of her suburban mom-mobile, and didn’t even worry about a glass. 

I hear ya’ sister.  We have more in common than you know.  

20 comments:

  1. OK, you MUST be living in my hood! Great post--my LV bag looks great with my oversized sweats, baseball cap, Spam Tshirt walking into Weight watchers..just sayin...

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  2. Mary Ann, thanks for commenting! I don't have a LV, but living in the South and driving my tricked-out Escalade in my sweats, l look like I should be on Bayou Billionaires. Does the t-shirt reference Spam, the canned meat, or Spam, the unwanted email? Either way, gotta get me one! Thanks again!

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  3. LOL, love it! I shopped there once and knew I was in the WRONG place when I saw they had "gluten-free" beer. Now THAT'S the epitomy of oxymorons!

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    1. Thought you'd LIKE gluten-free beer! Doesn't taste the same, huh? Thank God wine is gluten free.

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  4. Thanks for commenting! Love your blog name. Visited your blog too - great! I'll make sure my teenager videos the yelling on her phone.

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  5. I have never heard of that store before, but I do feel that way going into my daughters gymnastics class sometimes. All the mama's are pulling expensive leotards off the rack for their daughter's American Girl dolls (yes, they have a rack there just for dolls, and the leo's cost more than the leos I put on my kid!) while I am telling my daughter, pft- I'll sew you one together when we get home lol.

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    1. Well the name of the store is made up because I didn't want to offend the real store. But sounds like a good name! Can't believe they buy expensive leos for the dolls! Crazy! I'm all about Target. And I'm certainly not above Walmart. Hope you won't find me in one of those "Walmart People" emails!
      Thanks for commenting, Theresa!

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  6. Thank you for a very readable, funny, and touching post! I love the ending! I will never measure up to Barbie standards, it's too late now; but I have my wonderful teens so I'm OK! ; )

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    1. You have wonderful teens?? How'd you do that? Mine are now 18, 16, and 14. Pretty much every day they tell me (just so I won't forget) that I AM NOT funny and that I'm very weird. :) Never was a Barbie, never will be!
      Thanks for commenting!

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  7. Hilarious! I read "They’re better’n crap on a cracker" in Mater's voice. Do find out about duck fat and report back ;-)

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    1. Love your bio on your blog! Very, very inspiring! You talk about dreams. I've been blogging for about 2 years and I'm 48. I have lots of dreams—and sometimes a lot of self-doubt. Will be an empty-nester in 3 1/2 years so I have to get a life. That's why I got serious about blogging. I write a humor column for a local newspaper. Hopefully there are more good things on the horizon. LOVE that you're a southerner. I'm in TN. I'll have to find out about the duck fat. Thanks for commenting!

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  8. I totally needed this laugh after the day I've had. Found you through voiceBoks. I will definitely keep up with you!!! Loved your post!

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    1. Good! I try to keep it really funny. Not just a little funny. But then again, my kids tell me I am SO NOT funny at all. Thanks for commenting! I like Voiceboks! and wine.

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  9. haha love it....behind the glitz we are all just moms

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    1. Thanks! Saw your profile. You contribute to a site called Moving Beyond the Past but couldn't get to it. No problem, but what is the general subject matter?
      No glitz here, but I've seen lots of glitz out there—and lip filler (like nobody can tell) Thanks for commenting, Aliy!

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  10. I've never heard of this store, but I live in the south (sorta) Kentucky and we have a lot of soccer moms here. My daughter plays club volleyball, I never knew sports had so many DIVAS, the claws can come out! I love your post and can completely relate, great job!

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    1. The name of the store is made up because I didn't want to offend anyone at the real store, but it sounds good. I live in TN and I'm a soccer mom of two girl club players, but I'm no diva—except that I will NOT drink boxed wine—unless that's all you've got. Thanks for commenting!!!

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  11. Grocery shopping with kids is enough to drive anyone to drink!
    I think you are right. When you get down to it, we are all pretty much alike.
    Fun post!

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    1. Thanks! Now if my kids happen to be with me when I stop at the store, they stay in the car and text. I'd kind of like them with me now and again, but of course, they can't be seen with me. Their swag factor would go way down. Age 16 and 14. And one in college. Thanks for commenting, Gina!!!

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