And That’s Why I Am No Longer Welcome At . . .
“Take her down, Missy Rae! She ain’t nothin’ but a beat down skank! And so’s her mama!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at my daughter’s soccer games.
Praise God that I am not addicted to looking at inappropriate pictures on beefcakes.com. Thank you, Lord, I don’t have that cross to bear like Pastor Dale and his wife, Niecy. And that’s why I am no longer welcome to be a member of the End of Ages Holy House of Angels on Fire “praise team.”
“Why don’t you “prissies” just lighten up and get your freak on!” And that’s why I am no longer welcome to attend PTA meetings anymore.
“C’mon Booger Bear, let’s streak through the hot wax!” And that’s why I am no longer welcome at the Speedy Kwik car wash.
“Hello, officer. I just love a man in uniform. The PTA sent me to demonstrate to you all the serious infractions that continually occur underneath the bleachers.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to talk to the security guard at school.
“My homemade powdered Kool-aid is not ‘happy powder’ that I sell from my house. It’s actually a completely legal anesthetic I offer my clients, I mean friends, at my botox parties.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to be a member of the Homeowner’s Association.
“Give me something that says ‘trailer park edgy,’ sort of like all the hootchies who work here.” And that’s why I am no longer welcome at Mr. Pierre’s Welcome to My Weave Hair Salon.
Lifeguard: “Ma’am, it’s not acceptable to scream, ‘Oh my gosh!! How many scabs and poops can I find in one pool??’ in order to clear everyone out so you can have the Lazy River all to yourself.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the water park.
“Attached you will find my picture and info that I’m sending to the twelve drag queens on your site offering to be their baby daddies.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to email Craigslist, pretending to be Bo Needleman, our nimrod pool contractor.
“This year our theme is “Underbelly of New Orleans! Raise your hand if you want to bring the voodoo dolls and sacrifice the live chicken!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to head up the school auction.