Friday, August 2, 2013

14 Points They Don't Cover in Driving School—But Should

12 Points They Don't Cover in Driving School—But Should

       I’ve taught three teenagers to drive without once, well hardly ever, ripping off the “OH-MY-GOD handle.” (handle located in interior of vehicle above door.  Grasped tightly to avoid chiropractors, or possibly even REAL doctors)

       My daughter is attending driving school next week, mostly for the insurance discount and to learn about driving with beer goggles.
          Actually additional beer goggle practice would be advantageous so that in a bar in college she can discern Tristan Framingham III, with a bulging wallet in his back pocket, from Joe Darryl with a bulging Skoal can in his back pocket.

       Driving school can teach her how to turn her wheels in a skid, but it should also touch on other essential information, such as:

       Emergency protocol when arriving at an important peer group debriefing meeting and all the spots are taken at Sonic.

       How much farther can one really, really go on two tablespoons of gas.

       Perfecting the “guilt wave,” after close calls.

       How to throw blood hounds off the scent of the body in one’s trunk.

       How to get out of a ticket. (Taken in conjunction with Improv/Role Play 101)

       What not to wear to one’s traffic court appearance.  Hint: shirt emblazoned with  “Cocaine and Caviar.” (You can’t make this stuff up)

pic by Cathy Cantu at traffic court (for none of ur bidness).  He
crossed his arms because he must've thought I was a narc and because I suck at being nonchalant taking pics with an iPhone.

       Knee driving 101 (Eating/cell phone usage), 201 (Grooming/shaving/brushing teeth), 301 (changing clothes), and Graduate Program (all of the above while finishing algebra homework due in fifteen minutes)

       How to blend in when lost in a neighborhood where one sees lots of chalk body outlines.

       Excuses for rolling down the window, or "Purging the Cabin," when one is driving with one’s significant other and feels a Silent But Deadly coming on.

       Combining Red Bull and alcohol only makes one do stupid stuff with more enthusiasm.

       Legal limits: For driving under the influence of Benadryl and Zyrtec.                For the circumference of a spastic dog in driver’s lap.

       Funeral procession procedures.  Where’s your respect?  Geez, you people just need to pull over and wait.  Except not me of course, but the rest of you.

       And just for ladies:

       How to approach an ATM without opening the car door and leaning out the window.  Tips for remembering to release the parking brake before arriving at your next destination.  I know I’m making broad generalizations here.  Deal with it.

       And a few classes for parents:

       Method to circumvent the “Con Your Mom” anti-phone tracking app your minors have.  Procedure 100% effective roughly 60% of the time.

       When Facetime-ing minors to verify their location, how to distinguish whether they are seated in front of real or faux library books.
Artist: Lea Roth  Agency: Beyond Fotomedia

       How to translate a minor’s texts from Dos Equis into American.

       Most 16- to 18-year olds embrace the obnoxious DAWNeD ideology:  (Daring, Arrogant, often Wrong but Never in Doubt) 

       And just a warning from parents to all teens:  Most of us in the OAT (Old And Treacherous) set know how to throw off the bloodhounds.

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