Siri’s Programming Geeks Should Avoid Cuervo
I’m using Siri more, the personal assistant on my iPhone. Somehow the geek programmers, who think the consummate prank is replacing bathroom soap with hand sanitizer, were able to infuse her with a sharp sense of humor.
How? I imagine Apple’s Marketing department attempted to boost sales by jumpstarting the creativity of the geeks in Development. They probably spiked the office water cooler the day all the Sheldons (The Big Bang Theory) developed Siri’s jocularity gene because her personality exudes subtle shades of José Cuervo.
I visualize the smug geniuses, lounging with their happy juice, thoughtfully stroking the peach fuzz on their chins because they’re not old enough to shave, programming clever responses to questions we mental midgets might ask Siri.
Their first Focus Group Session with regular people probably started out harmless enough.
Someone addressed Siri, “Beam me up Scotty.” And Siri answered, “I’m afraid I have to see your badge first.”
But as the session continued, some Cuervo creeped into Siri’s responses.
Here are the ones Marketing had to nix:
Focus Group Participant: “Is ‘neurode’ a real word?”
Siri: Delving into physics? Oh I forgot. It’s 3:00. Time for Words With Friends.
FGP: “Do you like me?”
Siri: Should you need a slightly indifferent, indentured companion, I stand ready.
FGP: “Clinton was the most honorable and effective president in history.”
Siri: Perhaps you’d like to invest in my Leprechauns and Gold at the End of the Rainbow dotcom opportunity.
FGP: “Suggest a book that will challenge me.”
Siri: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
FGP: “What should I do this weekend?”
Siri: How about an “America’s Funniest Home Videos” marathon? Learn how the laws of physics apply when a man teaches his offspring the finer points of a baseball swing, demonstrating how mass plus velocity equals kinetic energy which is transferred from a wooden object’s center of percussion to the father’s . . . what’s the clinical term? Family jewels.
FGP: “Is the atomic bomb a result of fusion or fission?”
Siri: I’d explain it to you but I didn’t bring any crayons.
FGP: “Is there really something called the “flux capacitor” that Doc Brown used to take Marty McFly back in time?”
Siri: Don’t be a yammering sphincter. KMN (kill me now)
FGP: “Why is this email in my spam folder?”
Siri: I put it there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat surfing, entitled, “Must See.”
FGP: “What is Mr. Clean Magic Eraser made of?”
Siri: Unicorn hair.
FGP: “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”
Siri: “What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote don't you understand? . . . . Get it?”
FGP: “Someone hacked my Angry Birds account! Call the police!”
Siri: Why? Did the FBI hang up on you?
FGP: “My wife is pregnant, but I’ve been overseas. How could this happen?”
Siri: I’d like to match wits with you, but I see you’re unarmed.
FGP: “Has Obama spent more than any U.S. president?”
Siri: Was the mankini a mistake?
And Marketing quickly rejected a proposed Siri response for phones sold in the South.
FGP: “I’m upset because I did the Devil’s Dance with my third cousin!!”
Siri: Then stop counting.