“Why These Kids Can’t Be Mine” Thursday
Kid’s Bad Habit May Score Cat a Spin-off Show
Sometimes I say things I never imagined I’d need to say under any circumstance. For example, “Go get a mouse. Slither needs to eat,” or “No, that is not the dog’s giblet,” or “There’s a mole on your bra.”
The last phrase comes from a situation that arose this morning. My teenagers are extremely busy playing school soccer, acting like they’re doing homework, tweeting, not putting away clothes, texting, shopping on-line, going to social activities, and watching Gossip Girl.
When they pack their soccer bags with practice clothes in the morning, they pull out yesterday’s school clothes and leave them on the back patio. At night they are busy not cleaning their rooms so the school clothes remain on the patio where creatures gather at night to get high with the garden gnomes on my herbicide-laced, ‘roided-out lawn.
I refuse to pick up the clothes so they will often stay there until some raccoon watches Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo through our window and sees Glitzy, the pig, root around in the clothes on the beauty queen’s bed. Because raccoons can be TV stars too, he’ll likely grab my daughter’s shirt and scamper away to negotiate a spin-off show and get his own tiara. I bet Honey Boo-Boo’s family sometimes finds their clothes in trees too.
This morning I walked out to the patio to feed our cat and glanced at the clothes still in the corner. A cute, stiff little mole lay ashen on the colorful pile. Either he had overdosed on some Ortho-licious trash can punch or the cat decided the mole was, well, a mole who tried to rat out the “funny fertilizer” backyard cartel.
Anxious to board the cat-shaming band wagon, I ran to make a sign. Unless they’re asleep, cats won’t cooperate like all those stupid dogs on Facebook.
The deceased mole is on the pile on the left,
behind her ear.
Of course, like the good journalist I am, I digitally documented the moment. I texted my daughter, “There is a mole on your bra,” and sent her the picture.
I’m getting ready to send this post to TLC. Maybe they’ll give my cat her own show—Animal Cops: Backyard Busts, Wrongly Convicted— If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened.